How To Deal With Relational Pain
All of us at one time or another have been mistreated, abused in some way, or have been taken advantage of by another person. Hurtful life experiences come from living in a fallen world with other sinful, selfish people, who share a common ancestry along with us with the first man Adam.
We can allow hurtful things that we experience to fester and absorb our whole outlook on life, or we can learn to deal with them, and not allow them to dominate who we are and how we treat others.
Here’s a short primer on how to deal with the after effects of relational pain.
Exercise foresight and be on the watch to look [after one another], to see that no one falls back from and fails to secure God's grace (His unmerited favor and spiritual blessing), in order that no root of resentment (rancor, bitterness, or hatred) shoots forth and causes trouble and bitter torment, and the many become contaminated and defiled by it (Heb 12:15-Amplified).
Bitter root strongholds and bitter root expectations are often at the core when we’re having problems in our relationship with God, with ourselves and with others. When others wrong us, and we hold on to that wrong in the form of unforgiveness and resentment, that event can become a bitter root in our thoughts, and can color future behavior.
Bitter root expectations arise out of bitter thoughts left unchecked in the soul. I have a bitter root expectation when I expect someone now to treat me the way someone in my past treated me. It’s a setup for problems in relationships, and is very common.
Let me show you a very simple instance of how I’ve had to deal with this in my own life. When I was a young boy, my friend and I would plan to meet at a certain place while riding our bikes. My friend would tell me that he would meet me at 3:00 PM at a certain place. I would go there and wait and he didn’t show up. I was early and waited for him for 20 minutes or more, and he never came. This happened several times, and then was repeated by others. I was on time, and they were no shows! This really bothered me but I just shrugged it off and forgot it.
Then, as an adult I found myself not trusting people when they would commit to do something for me. I would check on them three or four times when a person made a commitment to do something for me at a certain time. It got to the point that I would rather do something myself than to trust another person to do it for me!
One day the Lord showed me the root of this distrust I had in people in general, and I saw that I had developed a bitter root expectation. I had really harbored unforgiveness towards the friend who constantly let me down. This unforgiveness or bitter root stronghold buried in my inner thoughts created in me an expectation that made me think that I just couldn’t trust people. Once I saw it, I prayed and repented for harboring the unforgiveness towards my friend so many years ago.
Once I did this, I found that I was enabled to trust others in a way that I couldn’t before. My deep inner thoughts had been released from the expectation that others would fail me! I was amazed at how quickly this helped me.
I’ve taken this same principle and dealt with many issues in my life; issues with personal beliefs about myself because of how others treated me in my past; issues with authority figures in my life that let me down; and so many other things.
It’s important that we cleanse our soul from bitter root strongholds and bitter root expectations. One way to do this is to write down the names of people with whom you’ve closely related. Parents, siblings, friends, teachers, coaches, relatives, boyfriends or girlfriends, ex-spouses, pastors, etc.
As you think about that person, write down any uncomfortable things that happen between you and that person. Pray and specifically forgive the person for anything that that he or she did that brought harm to you. Tell God exactly what the person did to you, and how it made you feel. Then, by faith, release them by forgiving them for the offense toward you. It’s initially an act of faith and not feelings. Once you forgive them and release this to the Lord, make a decision to never allow your mind to go there and dwell on what they did again.
In prayer before God you have released the person from anything you’ve held against him or her. I call this itemized forgiveness. Thought by thought, you go before God and purposely release any negative thoughts you have about any person in your past.
When the thought of the person and the event comes back to your mind through the day, remind the Lord that you have by faith forgiven that person and then thank God for freeing you from bitter root strongholds of thoughts and from bitter root expectations.
This releases you from bitter root thoughts that create negative expectations in your current relationships. This releases you from so much mental and emotional baggage! Forgive on this deeper level and you’ll be free to love and free to bless in your current relationships.